Saturday, October 2, 2010

Oh God, Why Am I Doing This?

A friend of mine recently sent me this video that seems to be a tech demo and demo for some game coming out on the 3DS.  I think it's a dating game, but I'm not into that stuff.  What interests me is the philosophical discussion:  2D has now become 3D, is it now pig-disgusting?  And where is your God now?

Friday, October 1, 2010

Come Fly With Me, Lesbian Seagull

Okay, so this post has nothing to do with lesbians or seagulls...but it does involve females and birds.

  So after that jarring introduction, check out this video about falcons and the gos hawk.  The second bird's flight reminds me of the speeder bike scene from Return of the Jedi.  How this creature can maneuver so deftly in a dense forest amazes me.  I bet it's wicked good at vertical shooter games. The falcon has always fascinated me, they dive so incredibly fast and pull Gs that would make a human pass out or die. 

Mankind has always envied and revered birds for their ability to soar above our world.  Many ancient cultures worshiped them as gods, attributed them magical powers, and sought to join them in the sky either physically or spiritually.  They never got to see a view from the back of one, so maybe you'll feel the same way after this clip.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Cooking With Derp 2: The Cookening

Well folks, its raining like crazy here and I'm feeling a bit down so how about some tasty food to cheer us up?  I like to eat healthy, and I'm working on losing weight but I also love food.  It's quite possible to balance it all out and eat great, lose weight, drop your cholesterol and all that.  Last time I showed you a soup recipe, so now let's go to the dessert.  Just like a table setting, we're working from the outside in.

Don't eat it just yet, finish your greens.

If you don't like fruit, then there's something wrong with you.  Strawberries are one of my favorites.  They go on anything, and even with a certain unlikely ingredient  that's featured in the dessert today: balsamic vinegar.  This recipe is, from what I read, a more European equivalent of strawberry shortcake.  It also happens to be a lot healthier. Depending on how you make it the caloric value is about 150 calories, way better than ice cream or pound cake.

So, you'll need:
2 cups sliced strawberries
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
Pinch of freshly cracked black pepper
1 Tbsp butter (if you're using a pan, keep reading)
2-4 wedges/slices of angel food cake (can use sugarless if you want)
1" thick Whipped cream (if you like)

Slice strawberries however you like and put them in a bowl with the balsamic and pepper to marinate for about 15 minutes.  Heat up a grill, stovetop grill or skillet.  If using the skillet add the butter, otherwise you don't need it.  Throw your slices of angel food cake on and cook it on med until it browns and caramelizes slightly.  Remove to a plate and add the strawberries and liquid.  Finish with a small scoop, SMALL, scoop of whipped cream if you like.  I personally don't care for it so I added nothing but a little powdered sugar for contrast.
Oh lawd, you just want to lick your screen now don't you?
You might be turned off at first but you should really give it a try.  The only really expensive ingredient is the balsamic.  With this stuff you really do get what you pay for.  You don't have to get the 100 dollar bottle that's locked up and in a wooden crate, but don't get the 2 dollar store brand bottle.  Good balsamic vinegar has a mild flavor and when mixed with the strawberries it really enhances the sweetness and rounds it out giving the whole dish a full-bodied flavor.  The texture of the strawberries is just starting to change, especially if you're using the fresher kind which is still firm, and mixed with the crunchy sweetness of the angel food cake...well, your mouth will be singing trust me.  

All in all you can't beat a simple, fancy and healthy dessert.  Try making it for your special person, show off to mom and dad, impress the kids, apologize to the neighbor for all that loud, creepy sex you're always having (no one likes a braggart, and bringing home drifters is unsafe), or just dine in alone and have an evening with the cats and Tom Bergeron.  

Just Another Day At The Office?

What is precision walking?  I didn't know either until I saw this video of some Japanese men in business suits.  It's interesting to watch if just for the strangeness of the whole thing.  Enjoy.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Thank you, Gracias, Grazie, and ありがとう

Woo! A personal milestone, 50 followers. I've been hard at work writing, drafting, promoting, and in some cases fellating strangers asking strangers politely and trying to get people to check out my stuff. Seems to be working. I really appreciate it. I'm even working on new segments (the cooking one seems popular) and I have a few things in mind that I'm sure will amaze and impress.

So now, in honor of your service...SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL.. A SPECIAL, SEALED DERP FILE.  Wrested from the treacherous bowels of the Federal Derp of Investigation HQ in Northern Virginia, this ancient and twisted movie review for Sex in the City 2, and the innaugural post of a new Derp Files segment:  Derp at the Movies.   Now that the bar has been set so high, what the hell am I going to do for 100 followers?  I'd like to find out, wouldn't you?

So I decided to see what all the hub-ub was about and snuck in to see Sex and the City 2. Somehow I was alone...and there was a fell wind blowing (or the AC was cranked). Fifteen minutes in, I noticed a flickering in the corner of my eye-which I ignored at first. Then it became more noticeable and the world grayed and twisted like softened metal sagging under its own weight. Layers of Immaterium stretched out before me and I saw all the bloody history (and future) of man stretched to infinity around me. My mind reeled, I tried to stand only to vomit up purple ichor filled with un-popped kernels of corn that had laughing skulls for faces. "EMPEROR GIVE ME STRENGTH!" I shouted through the endless stream of bile. Sarah Jessica Parker turned to me from the screen, which now appeared like a roiling sea of malice and Cosmos, and opened her mouth to emit a howl somewhere between a T-Rex roar and a bleating goat.

Somehow my mind knew that she wasn't truly making a sound, it was being transmitted into my mind directly by some blasphemous magik. My vision swelled with red, the red of my own blood as I cried tears of it. My ears pounded and screamed in terror from the illusory assault. Parker's face distorted, layer upon layer, her movement leaving a vauge vibrating image like a motion blur that retained intelligent, independent movement. A thousand faces of an increasingly reptilian SJP snapped, one by one, in my immediate direction and cracked a feral, predatory smile that nearly stopped my heart. I fell to my knees in terror, babbling incoherent streams of consciousness as my soul was subjected to a billion prying eyes of pure Chaos. My very DNA trembled with fright. My Y-chromosomes began to commit seppuku, my X-chromosomes were left to envy the dead.... My blood-soaked eyes were glued to the screen as the horrors only increased, evil laughter-like ice sheets hitting a ship's hull- swirled around the room. It's evil, physical intensity left cuts on my skin like flying glass.

Then, as my very Essence teetered on the precipace.....the screen began to melt in the shape of a man. It was Sam Neil's character from Event Horizon. He walked straight to me, passing through the seats in front as if they were but mist. He stepped closer, and in the dull, purple light I could see his eyes were gaping, hollow sockets of ruinous flesh. "Where we're going, you won't need eyes," he hissed with a supernatural malevolence. "Oh thank the gods," I exhaled, sagging even further on my knees. As his cold, dead thumbs penetrated my vitrea, I smiled, knowing I wouldn't have to watch this crap any longer.


That concludes our broadcast for today

Get Equipped with....New Post!

Before I go head out for the day I thought I'd share my love of a certain man, of the mega variety. A friend sent me this link recently and I feel like EVERYONE needs to know about this game. I'm a huge Mega Man fan, especially the NES ones, I still have my cartridges for most of them. Anyway, if you don't get excited for these videos, you might want to check your pulse to see if you're dead.

Look at all those weapons, the carefully crafted and themed maps. This is going to be AMAZING! Like it said, there will probably be balance issues, but I don't really care it looks too gorgeous.

Here's a trailer. Check out more details at

Let's all become Robot Masters.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Excuse me, WTF R U DOIN

Time for the meaty, texty post of the day.

This morning I went to have my blood drawn, got me some medical problems...very sad tale but it's for another post.  Anyway I go into the lab and put my name down and go sit in the waiting room.  Eventually I hear my first name, but some weird last name.  "Mr. Derp Seeuh*?  Derp Seeuh?"  I was the only male there so I figured it was me.  I go up to the lady and say " name is Garcia*."  She laughs and looks at me then chuckles while saying, "huh you don't LOOK like a Garcia."

....the fuck?

So I go sit down and she's prepping to draw my blood and starts grilling me about my ethnic background.  She sneered at me and asked if I spoke Spanish.  I told her I speak a little and she fucking "tsk"d at me.  She asked me my mother and father's ethnicity after which she flatly said.  "Well then you're white."  This is because I was not racially pure enough for her I guess.  And yeah once again, I just made it clear I was uncomfortable but didn't say anything to her about it other than "uh...yeaaaaaaah," and "riiiiiiiiiight."  I mean, what do you do when someone starts interrogating you about your ethnic purity?

Personally I'm not a fan of "ethnic pride" "racial pride" or "national pride."  To me it seems so petty and archaic.  The world we live in now is so global and immediate that cultures clash on a minute by minute basis.  I get that people want to have a special group identity, they want to belong and feel special but all this petty tribalism is going to bring us down in the end.  Fostering a sense of equality and unity despite differences in skin, language, national origin is what I'm all about.  Why do Americans hate French people?  No one knows.  I bet if you asked someone on the street they couldn't come up with a reason, or maybe they'd say "Well they're snooty and herpderpy."  First off, that's mostly Paris, secondly have you ever even met a French person?  Probably not.  Are they really any bigger dicks than Americans?  Probably not.  Have you ever met someone from New York City?
But yes, it's just endless stupidity.  No you are not special, no you are not superior because you have special skin or fell out of the right vagina in the right spot on the planet Earth.  You evolved from the same extinct primates as everyone else, your distant cousin is a fucking Chimapanzee that drinks its own urine in the zoo and flings its shit at you for giggles.  You're a few tiny tiny tiny amino acids away from that.  Get the FUCK over yourself.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some minority scholarships to apply for.

*not my real name, but you get the idea.


I don't know why but Arnie is always good for inspiration. I love his movies, I love his cliched acting style, and I love his figure (no homo bro).

Best 10 min you'll spend today, also check out the sequel.


Friend of mine showed this to me tonight.  HELL YEAH!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Don't Know Derp About Nothin' or Sure is Beta in Here

So yes, I recognize I posted today already, but technically that was my one for 9/26.  My goal is to do 1-2 a day, a commitment like a songwriter makes to write a new song every week and by the end you'll have a decent body of work with good bits filtering out and being refined.  Thankfully writing a few paragraphs of what's on my mind is easier.  It might be harder when I'm researching things.  Also, I'm still not completely satisfied with layout and look so things might/will continue to change until I get it super spiffy and cute and herpa derp to my satisfaction.  Any comments and critiques of the format are welcome.

Well, here's what has rustled my jimmies.  Friday night I went to a neighborhood party and met a woman about my age who's new to the complex.  In the course of introductions she mentioned she is a middle school history teacher.  If there's one thing I'm passionate about it's education.  I'm a nerd through and through and I love learning, I love facts, and I love science.  Of course, as many of my nerd brethren have experienced, when talking about our passions we forget ourselves and get a bit too enthusiastic.  My voice didn't crack or anything but there was gesticulating and the phrase "you know?!" was thrown about a bit too much.  As a history teacher I asked her about education standards and about historical misconceptions and changes made my school districts. Specifically I mentioned the issue in Texas where a school board is redoing their textbooks and making some changes like renaming slavery "Atlantic triangular trade" ( read more here).  I started going on about how the standards for textbooks are crap and how Texas and California basically wittingly or un- manipulate what the rest of the country gets to learn in their books in school.  I plan on writing a whole separate article on that later.  All in all I probably freaked her out by caring too much about education, sadfrog.jpg.

Later I was looking through bookmarks for things to inspire me and the first thing that caught my eye was a link to Eratosthenes, a Greek mathematician who calculated not only that Earth was curved, but it's circumference and axial tilt with a reasonable degree of accuracy, especially considering the time and tools.  Here's an even more interesting factoid:
His detractors, however, mocked Eratosthenes as a jack-of-all-trades and master of none. They called him Beta, because he came in second in every category (source Wired).
I'm sure there are a few people out there (wink wink) who will appreciate the nature of the highlighted.  Anyway, Eratosthenes was a smart guy and he calculated all these things using math and logic (read the source article above for more info and a handy picture that shows his method which involved measuring shadows) but who discovered the roundness of the Earth according to my history lessons as a child?  Christopher Columbus.  I don't know why this story gets the press it does, maybe it's just a better story: 
Christopher Columbus discovered the Earth was round AND AMERICA! That's right little Derpy, the country where you live!  He discovered it because he had a DREAM and IDEAS but he had GUTS and DETERMINATION and LOTS OF MONEY.  Remember Derpy, that's what AMERICA stands for.  That and the rape and destruction of many unique and interesting cultures through the spread of disease, war, and clashing theocracy! OH GOD PLEASE FORGET I SAID THAT, WH...WHAT?!  PRINCIPAL CHAMBLISS PLEASE DON'T!  I NEED THIS JOB!
Or maybe it's just easier
All right kids, who's ready for history?  Now I don't want to hear any groaning.  You're all 6 now, so you have to act like big boys and girls.  Today we'll be talking about trigonometry, geometry, and calculus.  Get out your graphing calculators and sextants.  HEY SHUT UP DERPY! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR SASS...AND THAT JOKE WAS WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE, WHERE'D YOU LEARN THAT WORD?!
No, it's probably just momentum.  People have a tendency to remember information the way it's given, especially if they trust the source and it conforms to their belief structure.  This is why it's so important for the education system to remain balanced and impartial.  Believe it or not, students trust that teachers have the answers and are right.

Just imagine you are conversing with someone and they mention Columbus discovering the Earth is round.  You smile and nod and let it slip, you are a very bad person.  Alternately imagine correcting them
Um, well you may not know this but the Earth was known to be a sphere as far back a the 2nd century B.C.E.  A Greek mathematician named Eratosthenes...
This is when your conversation partner would interrupt you and say, "Yeah, well bub I learned this in school okay?  I think I know what I'm talking about here."  And then you just end up looking like a huge asshole trying to act "all smart and crap."
Era who?  Shut up and give me your fries.
As I've gotten older I've learned that "adults" don't always have the answers and that much of what I learned in school was inaccurate.  When I got the book Don't Know Much About History (which you can find on Amazon here) by Kenneth C. Davis, I learned all kinds of things that got skipped in class.  Sure, it's about American history, but as an American I was so glad to have a history lesson that cut through the mythology of our past.  Just like how people like to forget the facts, they like to gloss over the past and imagine it with fondness as some idyllic fantasy. All of his books are really great and well researched and highly recommended.

Cooking With Derp

Oh boy, I bet this is going to take a while, trying to get used to blogging is hard, and burns lots of calories.  Calories that need to be replaced, so that brings us to the first installment of Cooking With Derp!

Here I'll present a recipe that's easy, healthy and nutritious.  Until recently I couldn't stand eggs, the smell of them cooking would make me more than a little nauseated, but then I remembered the classic American-Chinese egg drop soup (also slightly inspired by a poster on one of my fave fitness boards talking about how he has it every morning).  I looked it up and it was SO EASY.  I've been making it every morning for the past week and I've had no stomach issues or sensory problems either.  More after a little teaser.

You want to nom me....don't you?  Yes...give in

Many people still believe that eggs are bad for you.  You need fat, and food cholesterol won't really affect your blood cholesterol.  Heck, some eggs are advertised as high in Omega-3 which is prescribed even for reducing bad cholesterol.  If you really want to I'm sure you could use Egg Beaters or whatever but I wouldn't try it.  The only real health thing you might want to worry about is the sodium, but I'll address that later.

So!  What do you need?

2 cups chicken broth (I prefer low sodium to adjust the flavor more)
2 large eggs (large is a grading size)
A saucepan
A bowl (or two if you're a bit paranoid like me)
1-2 tablespoons of corn starch (more = thicker)
Salt, pepper, parsley to taste

Pour the broth, reserving a little, into the saucepan and heat.  Add the desired amount of cornstarch to a bowl or the measuring cup you used for the broth and then pour in the reserved broth.  Mix the two until dissolved thoroughly, should look like milk.  Now crack two eggs in a separate bowl and scramble.  when the broth boils, add the corn starch mixture and stir.  Wait for it to boil again then turn off the heat, begin to stir the liquid in the pan quickly but evenly in one direction as you slowly pour the eggs into the hot broth.  The heat of the broth instantly cooks the egg and leaves those distinctive strands of egg floating along (pictured). 

You can now season as you like.  As I said, I use low sodium broth so I can have it the saltiness I like.  I add parsley flakes only because I didn't have any fresh when I took these pictures yesterday. Freshly cracked black pepper is also a must have, depth of flavor my friends.   Whenever you're ready, pour the soup in a fresh bowl, or you can use the one you had the eggs in if you're so inclined.  Nom and enjoy life.

If you're counting calories the meal as I prepared is only ~250 calories and 14g of carbs (about one servings of carbs according to ADA guidelines for my 'beetus bros out there).  Be careful and let it cool off or you'll burn yourself bad because it really is thick and will cling to your mouth.  The best part is that it's that it's hearty and has protein, carbs, and fat so it'll give you energy and keep you full.  It's easy to prepare, and you can make it in huge batches in whatever ratio you want (1:1 eggs/broth  or 1:2).  The 1:2 is more like you'd get at a restaurant but I like it my way because it's thicker and I don't feel uncomfortably full after getting my two daily eggs.  Some might balk at the corn starch, and it's not necessary really but it rounds it out as a meal and makes it much more filling and "traditional."  Experiment with it and find what you like, that's the philosophy behind cooking right?  I'm just a stepping stone.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have a snack to prepare.  See you soon.