Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Thank you, Gracias, Grazie, and ありがとう

Woo! A personal milestone, 50 followers. I've been hard at work writing, drafting, promoting, and in some cases fellating strangers asking strangers politely and trying to get people to check out my stuff. Seems to be working. I really appreciate it. I'm even working on new segments (the cooking one seems popular) and I have a few things in mind that I'm sure will amaze and impress.

So now, in honor of your service...SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL.. A SPECIAL, SEALED DERP FILE.  Wrested from the treacherous bowels of the Federal Derp of Investigation HQ in Northern Virginia, this ancient and twisted movie review for Sex in the City 2, and the innaugural post of a new Derp Files segment:  Derp at the Movies.   Now that the bar has been set so high, what the hell am I going to do for 100 followers?  I'd like to find out, wouldn't you?
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So I decided to see what all the hub-ub was about and snuck in to see Sex and the City 2. Somehow I was alone...and there was a fell wind blowing (or the AC was cranked). Fifteen minutes in, I noticed a flickering in the corner of my eye-which I ignored at first. Then it became more noticeable and the world grayed and twisted like softened metal sagging under its own weight. Layers of Immaterium stretched out before me and I saw all the bloody history (and future) of man stretched to infinity around me. My mind reeled, I tried to stand only to vomit up purple ichor filled with un-popped kernels of corn that had laughing skulls for faces. "EMPEROR GIVE ME STRENGTH!" I shouted through the endless stream of bile. Sarah Jessica Parker turned to me from the screen, which now appeared like a roiling sea of malice and Cosmos, and opened her mouth to emit a howl somewhere between a T-Rex roar and a bleating goat.

Somehow my mind knew that she wasn't truly making a sound, it was being transmitted into my mind directly by some blasphemous magik. My vision swelled with red, the red of my own blood as I cried tears of it. My ears pounded and screamed in terror from the illusory assault. Parker's face distorted, layer upon layer, her movement leaving a vauge vibrating image like a motion blur that retained intelligent, independent movement. A thousand faces of an increasingly reptilian SJP snapped, one by one, in my immediate direction and cracked a feral, predatory smile that nearly stopped my heart. I fell to my knees in terror, babbling incoherent streams of consciousness as my soul was subjected to a billion prying eyes of pure Chaos. My very DNA trembled with fright. My Y-chromosomes began to commit seppuku, my X-chromosomes were left to envy the dead.... My blood-soaked eyes were glued to the screen as the horrors only increased, evil laughter-like ice sheets hitting a ship's hull- swirled around the room. It's evil, physical intensity left cuts on my skin like flying glass.

Then, as my very Essence teetered on the precipace.....the screen began to melt in the shape of a man. It was Sam Neil's character from Event Horizon. He walked straight to me, passing through the seats in front as if they were but mist. He stepped closer, and in the dull, purple light I could see his eyes were gaping, hollow sockets of ruinous flesh. "Where we're going, you won't need eyes," he hissed with a supernatural malevolence. "Oh thank the gods," I exhaled, sagging even further on my knees. As his cold, dead thumbs penetrated my vitrea, I smiled, knowing I wouldn't have to watch this crap any longer.

Fin.

That concludes our broadcast for today

21 comments:

  1. hey congrats on the 50 milestone. i'm nearing that number as well.

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  2. Man, I fucking LOST it where you started talking about Sam Neil. Moar reviews like this please, do one about twilight.

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  3. Thats great dude good that you have 50 followers now. If anybody is interested in random musings and SUBWAY then check out my blog dmaynenet.blogspot.com

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  4. This remains one of the greatest things you have ever written. I know at least one of my friends has attempted to use it to shame her friend out of liking S&tC.

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  5. Wow, I've never seen a movie that bent the fabric of reality before! But I did watch a ke$ha music video once and got an std.

    Good job on 50 followers! If anyone deserves a mass of strangers stroking your ego over the internet... it would be you.

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  6. Great post man. Keep in touch... Look forward to more.

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  7. This was a damn good read...I was laughing my ass off abut spewing purple shit up....keep em coming...

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  8. Congrats on the 50. Hope to see more from you, hopefully you'll be able to get more followers.

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  9. Absolute congratulations on your fiftieth follower, and thanks for this hilarious read. It sounded as if you were tripping hard while watching a movie about some old women. That was pretty funny I must admit. lmao

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  10. When I was a kid I thought I was so cool when I tried watching that show

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  11. Congrats, hope to see more interesting content from your blog

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  12. ahahha sex in the city 2, thanks for taking one for the team, i could never watch it. I did however had more fun reading about it.

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  13. Yes Sex in the City 2 is much better in text than on film. lol.

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