Friday, May 6, 2011

Gay America's Pagan Agenda: Thor

Is it me, or have fundamentalist Christians dropped the ball on the new Thor movie?  I mean, sure the comic has been around for decades, but only nerds read comics and they've all probably sold their souls to the devil through Dungeons and Dragons.

Jack Chick is a true American hero.

But with Thor you have a massive threat to THE CHILDREN.

Yes, the THE CHILDREN.  That fabled group that galvanizes any good person to do something...good.  By which I mean they bow down to the crazy complainer's will.  Tangent here, being a kid not only sucks because you are having to deal with learning the rules of the world, dealing with hormones, not having any rights, but you get used as unwitting pawns by crazy people...  This tactic reminds me of a Family Guy bit when Brian is trying to win custody of his soon-to-be-born puppies:

Lawyer: Mr Griffin, which of the following two phrases best describes Brian Griffin: Problem Drinker or African-American Haberdasher?
Peter: Uh, do I-I guess problem drinker, but that's uh-
Lawyer: Thank-you. Now: Sexual deviant or magic picture that if you stare at it long enough, you see something?
Peter: Well, sexual deviant, but that other one's not even, eh-
Lawyer: Thank-you

So what is it about Thor that threatens the very fabric of our society, endangers the Western world, and threatens to unravel the nature of the Universe?  Gay gods.  You heard me, not only godS-plural- but of the homosexual variety.  I mean we all know that comic heroes are pretty gay, right?  Big, sweaty dudes in skin tight lycra panties and capes of FABULOUS colors that hang out with other dudes of the same?  And they always seem to find an excuse to not date, I'm so sure that your arch nemesis will track me down and murder me...IS THAT WHY YOU MAKE LOVE TO ME IN THE DARK?! ARE YOU THINKING OF HIS COLD METAL TENTACLES?!  If you don't believe take a look at this: 

I mean just look at that!  Just look at those sweaty, half nude men.  The way their...perfect skin...glistens...their....muscles...throbbing with...exertion....Thor's arms...spread wide...so wide you could just...bury your face in his chest because you know you'd be so safe in his strong, tender arms and just to smell his skin you know it would smell like home and you'd know it was all going to be okay and just to taste his...WHERE WAS I?

But yes, not just the homosexual agenda, but the pagans.  Yes, you see Thor features multiple gods...*shudder*.  Yes, it takes the ancient Norse pantheon of gods which these poor, primitive people used to explain that which they did not understand-which was thankfully replaced later with a single God to explain everything, efficiency is important- and paints them in a positive light.  They do "cool" stuff like getting drunk and laying waste to dragons and giants.  Odin lost his eye in an eXXXtreme stunt to gain knowledge.  Loki tricked others into killing Baldr with a freaking plant.  It's almost like an episode of Jackass.  Kids will start to think the Norse gods are cool, then they'll learn about them, then they will start turning away from boring old Yahweh.  Soon dogs and cats will get married, gays will adopt children to make them gay, and then all will be lost.  
So brothers and sisters, join me in the fight against Thor...or at least inform crazy Christians of it so they can get mad and make fools of themselves protesting it.  Though, really we can't fail now, I mean the Rapture is in two weeks.


We can't risk failing now.  Because....if nothing happens on May 21 then that can be the ONLY EXPLANATION THE RAPTURE DIDN'T HAPPEN.  Just like when it failed to happen in 1844 (also know as the Great Disappointment), 1914, 1918, 1945, 1981, 1989, 1992, 1993, or 1994....or really any year between Ever and Now.  

Peace be with you.

21 comments:

  1. I am more excited for THOR coming out today! lol.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thor is cool, now someone rapture me a sandwich.

    ReplyDelete
  3. i wanna see the new thor

    ReplyDelete
  4. Im actually gonna watch Thor on Saturday(tomorrow)

    ReplyDelete
  5. lOOKS LIKE A LOAD OF LAUGHS COMING LOL.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Actually I'm longint to watch the Captain America movie, Thor is kind of boring to me hehe

    ReplyDelete
  7. *longing (ohhh sometimes my fingers doesn't type what my brain tells them to do)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thor looks interesting, I need to get into DC and Marvel.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This reminds me of that article about how Portal 2 was a homosexual recruitment game or something.

    http://christwire.org/2011/04/is-portal-2-safe-for-the-christain-family/

    Pretty much that, but with gay Greek gods, and in move form.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ahahah hilarious comics. Good show

    ReplyDelete
  11. Mjolnir > Jesus' sandals ANY day of the week.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Friggin' Christians! Go live in a giant fish with your talking snake and rib woman and leave us decent Asatru people alone. After all my god carries a hammer and your god was nailed to a cross. Love your neighbor? turn the other cheek? Now who's god is a fag?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Friggin' Christians! Go live in a giant fish with your talking snake and rib woman and leave us decent Asatru people alone. After all my god carries a hammer and your god was nailed to a cross. Love your neighbor? turn the other cheek? Now who's god is a fag?

    ReplyDelete
  14. Friggin' Christians! Go live in a giant fish with your talking snake and rib woman and leave us decent Asatru people alone. After all my god carries a hammer and your god was nailed to a cross. Love your neighbor? turn the other cheek? Now who's god is a fag?

    ReplyDelete