Monday, April 11, 2011

A Sad, Maddening Confession (New Project Pt 1)

My friends, my colleagues...my fellow human beings.  This...this terrible evening I have participated in a crime.  Not a simple crime against the laws of pitiable, mortal, men-whose company I thought I no longer needed, for I possessed the ambition to exceed this weak and fallible form...no.  No, my friends, I perpetrated a crime against Nature herself.




Though I did not seek fame, fortune, recognition, or reward, I let myself be lured into conspiracy by their sweet words.  Little did I know the frightening truth of what we would unleash upon our unsuspecting Universe.  It was not my idea...no, to say such easy words is to gloss over the reality of the situation.  I stood by and I watched, I aided....my hands are as stained with orangish-brown filling as any other.
Who would have thought the old man had so much Fluff(TM) in him?
The plot was simple enough, to create a being never before seen.  But as the life giving machines we would use gurgled to life, I could feel their wicked intent rumbling in my chest like the throaty growl of a stalking beast.  Their whirring and spinning blades shinning bone white, the tiny gaping maw at its terminus devouring all light that ventured near, echoing deathly black.  I shuddered to even gaze upon it, for the creeping realization of what was to come hit my chest  with the force of a prizefighter's deadly fist.

That's when 'it' truly began.  Rumbling and whirring, turning and spinning the archaic engine growled and strained to fulfill its task in a gleeful frenzy.  I watched as they poured the materials into the raw darkness, and yet I stood there doing NOTHING.  Well, once again those easy lies come to my dry, shaking lips.  I was recording it.  Yes, I stood there filming what would be our great triumph of science and gastromancy.  I would capture as best I could with limited human technology the wonder we would create.  The smell was...amazing.  It transfixed my very soul.  My head was swimming in the future possibilities, until the sound began....

The machine began to shake.  Glowing, silver runes on its weathered face reflected the harsh light in the laboratory directly into my eyes: K-I-T-C-H-E...My mind couldn't comprehend what it was experiencing, the light too blinding, the sound too....too....I don't know how to describe the sound.  It was the smacking lips of devils, slurping and devouring, sucking and extracting the life essence and soul fires of innocent, sentient beings.  I felt my gorge rise, copper tasting cruor filled my mouth and blotted out my senses.  Still, I remained rooted to that spot.

I watched with unblinking, bloodied eyes as its hollow, translucent body began to pulse and fill with unholy brown gloop.  Slowly, achingly slowly...it took shape.  The brown serpent grew longer with each passing moment, its vegetarian flesh moist from its birth into our world.  As it grew it began to twist and warp, forming many horrifying segments, segments without end, coiling and flopping over and around each other.  One segment twisted violently and separated from its kin, spewing its abhorrent, spiced ichor all about us.  It howled in rage and pain even as I reached out to hold it.  Why?  I do not know, maybe in my heart I pitied it...but as I took its body in my hand I was flooded with a sensation of...ickiness.  My eyes were truly Opened.  My soul was illuminated even as it was burned to ash by the power of this daemon.

I dropped to my knees on the hard linoleum, blood trickling from the corners of my mouth, eyes weeping an unending flood of tears (and a little bit of marshmallow fluff stuck in my beard).  I thrust my arms up towards the heavens, my upturned face ready to receive judgment from on high for the horror I had helped to bear. I sought to name this beast, though even the crackling of conscious thought on the subject singed my mouth.  I gritted my teeth and tensed my failing body and  I called out this daemon's name even as the words burned my tongue like a cinnamonny flame:

PUMPKIN...PIE....DESSERT.....SAUSAAAAAAAAGE!
 

56 comments:

  1. This looks equally disgusting and delicious. I never thought that was possible, but you've done it.

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  2. Sounds like YOU had a fun weekend. XD

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  3. I smell arse gray but I'd have a go.

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  4. MOTHERFUKING PUMPKIN PIE!!!!111!11!

    i love that schtuff, its the taste of heaven.
    (and the desert after a huge ass turkey meal)

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  5. My GOD! What have you created!? This monstrosity will be tolerated, you have gone too far!

    Very well written though I have to say, I started out thinking you were talking about food you made, but half way through I was convinced this was a horror story, until the end ;)

    I don't think I'd eat that though, I have no idea what it is... So, what IS it?

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  6. Lol, awesome post. There is going to be a Part 2, right?

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  7. wow you are such a mad scientist bro >_< that was genius!!!

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  8. HOW COULD YOU! *writes down the details*

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  9. haha, that was a very descriptive post about the horrors that you've partaken in!

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  10. You are a pioneer in food! I feel like I MUST try this!

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  11. Looks good and nasty at the same time, so sausages in a pie looks unique.

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  12. Sounds like quite a creation. There's really not many ways to go wrong when your ingredients include that much sugar!

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  13. In the infamous words of stan's dad from south park "Nuoh my god!"

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  14. nice food

    + one follower

    follow me on my car blog if you are interested

    http://autogespotlive.blogspot.com/

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  15. Great work! I love the blog style!

    I wait on my BLOG bro!!

    $upporting!!!

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  16. Eat it all, what could possibly go wrong?

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  17. You had me at Marshmallow fluff stuck in the beard.

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  18. put a patent on that stuff and sell it. LOL

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  19. Bwahahahaha!! Well written. That sounds delicious and/or awfull. :O

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  20. Look very bad... did it taste any good?

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  21. Why dont you invite that "bizarrefood" guy from tv to taste your dessert

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  22. goood God, man! this is truly heinous
    +followed

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  23. Hahaha, what? At first I was like "Hell yeah, marshmallow fluff! What? He messed up a recipe or something? YOU CAN'T MESS UP FLUFF!"

    Then I continued reading and laughed. I'm now imagining some horrible (and possibly delicious) monster being crafted by a mad chef, who's lost everything he had and wishes to create a monster to destroy all that fed his downfall.

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  24. ....So that he could give them their...
    Just desserts.

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  25. MY GOD MAN...WHAT DID YOU DOOOOOOOO

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  26. Another great post! keep up the good blogging!

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  27. Great blog man love reading your stuff maybe you can check out my blog sometime =D http://auto-inzure.blogspot.com/. i will be commenting daily =D

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  28. I hope you burn in hell for your crimes against nature, you sick, sick man.

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  29. hahahah love your blog!

    following

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