I Have No Chicken, and I Must Scream

“Fr...freed'm,” he wheezed through flour-crusted, dry lips. The single word a herculean effort, contracting his diaphragm to expel enough air sent arrows of pain through his chest. Moments passed as he gathered his strength to continue, he MUST continue, he knew. A man of considerable size, he found it difficult to stand from his plastic bench throne. Shuffling slowly across the dimly lit expanse on red, swollen legs the man gazed at the beauty around him. He couldn't remember anything else besides this place. When did he get here? Had it always been like this? Such questions were irrelevant, all that remained was the fight, the War. He knew his parents had been brave warriors too, and their parents before them, generations of his kin battled the Enemy and paid with their glucose tolerance. In the end it was for the sake of all. Even if it meant the damnation of his body, at least his soul-and the souls of all mankind- could be saved by his rheumatic, sweaty hands.

Arriving at the dispensing unit, he steadied himself and squinted at the list. What could he take in this state? He knew he was nearing his time. He was 25 after all-or so he thought, time passed strangely here. Finally it came to him and as he mumbled and slurred-why did his lips feel so tingly- the words required for his task, he could already smell the Victory as it was prepared for him. In less than a hyper-tensioned heartbeat it was ready for his glorious moment. A hush fell upon the place as all eyes took aim to the would-be savior. The silence screamed at him to win. His heart pounded, more than usual, as he unwrapped It. Glorious, it was, gleamingly greasy and breathtaking to behold. Touching it to his lips he felt ecstasy flow through him as those in their seats murmured in approval. His heart beat harder...harder...too hard! It was wrong, so wrong, and he knew it in an instant. The two empty halves of biscuit fell to the tiled floor, wails of agony echoed through the room, and the man's heart rebelled.

Am I unworthy?! What have I done wrong?! He was dying and he knew it, he must escape. No matter what had just happened he could not defile this...temple. Pain shot through his arm as he spun, panicked, looking desperately for the exit. Chaos was erupting behind him, wails of agony and despair. Some shouted it was a sign, others a curse. The man didn't care, his instinct howled at him to survive. As he burst through the long sealed doors, he faltered. Even in his mortal panic, the light was blinding and terrifying. On his knees now, crying, he felt his life slipping away. He gazed up at the strange blue sky above him. Was this here all along? Silent tears trickled down his pock-marked cheeks.

Suddenly he could feel someone there, someone speaking to him, it felt, from so far away. It's too late, I've failed, he thought, slipping further away. Nothing to do now but...pain! There was pain, incredible pain, worse than before. It was waking him up. A rhythmic pressing on his chest that hurt more than anything he'd ever felt. Seemingly an eternity passed before he opened his eyes again to see a man hovering above him pressing on his chest. The dying man was confused, what was going on? In that moment, the other man's mouth tightly close over his own! No! NO! THIS IS THE ENEMY, ISN'T IT?!

Spitting and sputtering with all his strength, the dying man pushed his savior away and wiped his defiled lips with a sweaty forearm. He glared at the man above him,

“Fag...” he coughed, and then the darkness took him once more.

Poem: What Price, Flavor?

It hung on my lips like an ancient waterfall, frozen in eternal winter

But even still in that chilling cold my soul, so brave and warm,

Felt nature's cleaving edge and set to splinter

Pressed in flesh in imitation of the wild and unimagined

Trapped between two halves of whole and others there besides

Never known to this world's love, and so growing quite misshapen.

Saucy truth, not quite content to travel on the path of history

Strikes awe in eyes of followers and devotees

And quietly though I trace my way, remembering such humbleness

Never rich, ensconced in power or being contemptuously glib

So I did make my way across that portal to the priests and artisans

And ordered “One McRib”

Soup's On Part 1: Chilled Cucumber

So I was going to write a long, depressing, personal post about my late mother because Mother's Day was last Sunday here in the US.  Then I took a nap and I'm feeling a bit more upbeat.  I realized I have a backlog of cooking images. 

"To answer your question: something like that."

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Gay America's Pagan Agenda: Thor

Is it me, or have fundamentalist Christians dropped the ball on the new Thor movie?  I mean, sure the comic has been around for decades, but only nerds read comics and they've all probably sold their souls to the devil through Dungeons and Dragons.

Jack Chick is a true American hero.

But with Thor you have a massive threat to THE CHILDREN.

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I'd Like to Have an Argument

So, we're all probably aquainted with the Internet.  What's possibly the number one past-time of its denizens?  Arguing.    If it were face to face, it might look something like this:

Edit: wtf video appeared in my preview but not in actual post...sorry about that.

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Stop Calling Me A "Fag"

It's kind of funny how my mind works, I started to write a post about how people cannot argue/debate for shit, especially today.  And then I started thinking about the quintessential Internet "showstopper,"  the word fag.  Well, I decided that my ideas that came from that were more important to get down immediately.  Random video displacement teaser editing nonsense.

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World's Gonna Burn

So, I made the mistake of flipping on the news today.  First I hear about Obama releasing his full birth certificate for public scrutiny.  Well I'm finally glad we can stop talking about...oh wait I forgot we live in Insan0world.  Now somehow this has made Donald Trump a bigger figure because he was the last person to shout about it on TV?  It's all for his sake and we should take him seriously as a candidate?  Are you shitting me, CNN?  Are you dumb or evil?  Or both?

Well, that's not what really made me rage.  It was this little lady right here, Dalia Dippolito, and her insane defense in her trial for murder-for-hire.

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This Message Paid For By: She Who Thirsts

Hi, I'm probably an actor...or maybe even a real person attempting to look thoughtful. But that doesn't matter, you see, I have an opinion. It's completely uninformed and this commercial portrays me as THE COMMON MAN, just like you. Yes I'm just like you, with opinions, opinions you should have, because I'm just like you. I have no apparent reason to have an informed opinion on the matter in this spot. I am not an economist, sociologist, doctor, scientist, lawyer, legal scholar, judge, officer of the peace, active duty military, or even a politician. I'm presenting myself as nothing but a 70 year old in a hat with the name of a U.S. Naval vessel on it, or maybe a company name with “...& son(s)” to show I'm a businessman AND family man. I have CHARACTER, which is all that matters. This whole ad is premised on you being a complete idiot and buying into me being just like you. In fact, it's highly insulting that someone would even make this spot. Can you imagine how contemptuous this whole thing is? I mean, I'm obviously reading from a script, and there is probably some tiny print in a corner that was flashed for a second that you-being old- can't see too well that says Dramatization. So remember, tell your Congressman, your congressman who was voted into office because I was the one who told you he's the kind of man I'd like to sit and have a beer with- because he's a common man just like me and the best decisions are made on a six pack of moderately priced domestic 12 oz canned beer. Something real traditional and American like Budweiser or Busch not of that Sam Adams crap, that brewery still has craft brewer status, you know what word is associated with craft? “Art.” Who likes art? Homosexuals. Are you a homosexual? Good, I didn't think so. And Sam Adams was a revolutionary and trouble maker. Who starts revolutions? Young people and hippies. Well anyway where was I? Oh yes, tell your congressman to vote yes (or no) on Bill _____ against your own personal interest. Because I'm an old guy in a hat with an opinion. An opinion you should have because I obviously represent the common man, and you're one too right? You don't want to be different, do you? Being different is what communists are. You remember them, don't you? They killed your friends. And 9/11 changed everything.

(This ad paid for by a special interest group who hopes you don't look into this matter on your own and formulate your own, informed opinion so they paid an old guy who's equally clueless to tell you what to think because they hope you just see an old white man from a Pepperidge Farm commercial talking about jobs, and money, and restoring America and not the board of directors of a conglomerate who stand to profit massively off of your mishandled tax dollars being appropriated for substandard construction projects, dangerous drilling sites, and environmental destruction. I mean, you know this bill will just make them more rich/eliminate economic barriers/remove their industry from oversight, so they have more money to spend creating tiny political action committees to donate even more dollars to the politicians so they'll approve more favorable measures for powerful special interests to continually enhance their wealth and political power in a never ending cyclical vortex orgy of dollar bills, cocaine, strippers, and truck-stop gay hookups, maybe even a few covered up illegitimate children/abortions, and murders. All of it devolving with ever increasing rapidity, fed by an insatiable lust by the public for ever more violent and nasty behavior by the people around them...spiraling down a drain hewn from the bones of sentient, loving creatures into the Disposal unit of damnation to be ground by the gears of mediocrity into a paste of hate, racism, violence, and willful ignorance into a dank, poisonous sewer from which there is no return. That's when it will Truly Begin)

I love Rock and Roll

Wow, allergies have completely killed me all week.  My eyes are so red and itchy and sore I can barely see straight.  So, in lieu of writing a post I wrote a blues song about My Little Pony.  It's only a first version really, but it's probably as close to as finished as I can get with my set up.  I didn't do the music, just the lyrics which I'm also singing (poorly).

Hope you enjoy it.  Lyrics below

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Ground Control to Major Derp

I haven't had much time to do writing because I've been on a streak of creativity and I've been trying to make some music using Audacity.  Slowly I feel like I'm learning the ins and outs of it.  Nothing really accomplished yet that I'd want to share but at least it's keeping me occupied. 

I'm also working on two A/V humor projects.  I have no clue how to add audio to images to make a video though, so we'll have to see how that goes.  Thankfully youtube has all kinds of helpful clips on how do do just about anything I want to do.  Isn't technology great?

I do wonder if I'm doing too much and not focusing but, hey, I got tons of free time so why not?  Any of you working on some neat projects?

Also I would like to thank everyone for their comments on my last post, many of you had some great insights and stories to share.  I feel very grateful for your kind words.


My mission for the week:

Let Me Put My Thoughts In You

How about some mood setting music again?  It's going to be a sad one, maybe.  I got inspired reading a few personally oriented threads by some of the people I follow.  I had some stuff on my mind that I wanted to put out there so I thought "why not."  I agonized trying to find a good song to get everyone on the same wavelength and I think I have it here with some Silent Hill.  It was hard to find something without distracting/spoilerific videos.

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I can hear Shakespeare spinning from here...

Working on a DEEP post is taking its toll, I'm just not there yet.  So you can now enjoy a little spurt of casual creativity.


I was reading the latest Penny Arcade-making fun of kindle, classic literature and Jersey Shore- and chatting with my friend and popped out this little gem off the top of my head.  The more I stare at what I did in a few seconds, the more I want to devote an hour or so to polish and finish.  Anyway here's a taste to whet your whistle:

From Brosef Derpspeare's upcoming tragedy S'itch, Act III, Scene 1

To gym or tan, that is the question

Whether 'tis more alpha in the mind to suffer

The Swings and slurs of drunk grenades

 Or to take abs against a pack of bitches,

 And by impressing, fuck them? To hump, to bone

 To fuck, perchance to burn, aye but there's the rub

The cream for my rash...the undiscover'd urinary tract

 From whose bladder, no pee returns

Thus herepes doth make cowards of us all

And thus the orange hue of Situation 

Is sicklied o'er with a pale film of Rid(TM)

Soften now, the slattern Snooki!  Gorgon, in thy shrieks

Be all my lays remembered!

LOL 2 DEEP 4 U!

 

A Sad, Maddening Confession (New Project Pt 1)

My friends, my colleagues...my fellow human beings.  This...this terrible evening I have participated in a crime.  Not a simple crime against the laws of pitiable, mortal, men-whose company I thought I no longer needed, for I possessed the ambition to exceed this weak and fallible form...no.  No, my friends, I perpetrated a crime against Nature herself.

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I'm Pudding This Here So I Can Ketchup On Writing -or- Cooking With Derp

Oh to know what goes on in my brain.  Hell I wish I knew... I have WAY too much going on up there that it's hard to keep track.  I'm writing a few things up there at the moment and I need more time to flesh out some ideas.  I tend to write kind of stream of consciousness so I can be pretty damn long winded.

Anyway, it was cold and rainy today and I was feeling pretty sad so I decided to cook something.  And what better "a something" than soups/stews for a cold day?  A short time ago I got pissed at cooking threads on /fit/ (yeah, I browse /fit/ and lift...) which contain some of the most awful, bland, poorly conceived recipes.  So I decided I'd make something to contribute.  Some 'OC' if you will.  I even calculated approximate nutrition for those guys.  Behold, a New Mexico classic: Green Chile Stew...with a twist.  Click for full image and save it, and try it, and love it.

Now the instructions in the image are pretty generic but I'll go in depth now.

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Fear and Loathing in Cyberspace

First and most importantly, listen to this

Now that we're on the same page emotionally...I'm scared.  Scared of all of this crap.  I've got a bunch of varied ideas for projects to create, as I mentioned, but I worry about them coming back to haunt me.  In the age of the Internet what gets posted lasts forever pretty much.  Most people feel a sense of liberation from the sense of pseudo-anonymity on Ye Oldde Tubes, but it's a false sense of security.  If someone wants to find out who you are and find out where you live and any of your personal info, well it's not going to be hard if they have the skills. 

It really worries me, I want to be able to speak my mind or be adventurous with comedy and maybe push the limits here and there.  I've been on stage doing improv before and have slipped into the "just act/speak" mode where there is almost no filter holding me back and have thankfully managed to not get myself in trouble.  I'm a big fan of blasphemy.  I think that sacred cows are meant to be slaughtered-on occasion.  Some of my personal heroes are people like Richard Dawkins, Matt and Trey from South Park, magicians Penn & Teller, PZ Meyers, and George Carlin.  All people who aren't afraid to say things that bring some color to the face.  I like to think of myself as a scientist, in the same way I think of myself as a philosopher.  Everyone on Earth is both those things to some extent, just how much they decide to examine the physical and metaphysical nature of the Universe varies. 

Of course freedom isn't free

...but I don't want to be the next Salman Rushdie or Giordanno Bruno.  Then again I doubt any of the (if I'm lucky) 20 or so people who visit this site a week care enough to come after me for my dumb jokes and poorly thought out essays.  However, my identity is forever linked to these words and they could come back to haunt me.  I don't think I'd ever run for public office so I'm not worried about that but any kind of comment that in the future might not be so polite could be a potential disaster for me.  Or what if my efforts pay off in the future and my "media empire" starts to get popular, more people start reading and BAM! I become the target of some internet vigilante campaign? 

Derp, you dun goofed.

Now, I freely admit that I often go to a worst case scenario.  In fact, if I were to name my strongest skill I would say it's the ability to instantly find flaws in any idea, plan, experimental design, or person- especially if said flaw/catastrophe is beyond the laws of probability in our ordered, natural universe.  Give me a topic and a few minutes and I'll give you a horrific and complicated breakdown of how it will explode and destroy all life on Earth.

But of course, all life is risky.  You could die any time and you need to not live in fear or you'll never really live at all.  Trying to stay true to that every day is pretty damn hard but I'm trying. 

In the end, all that matters is knowing this:

RELEASE THE DERPEN!

Damn I've been gone long.  Well, I have a new plan to create an actual media empire.  I've been fighting through this depression and getting kicked in the teeth by life for enough that I've built up a dammed lake of thoughts and musings that can be expressed in multiple formats. 


I´m looking to branch out into some art, maybe a comic, definitely a podcast, and of course the blog.  Even if no one reads or listens or views, I'll still be feeling the joy of creating which is what I love.  Hopefully I can find something interesting in my back log to post tomorrow and then I need to work on getting people back to viewing this page which is never easy.  Then again, nothing in (my) life ever is.

We're Doomed, part 39373438293034812.333

Wake up, see this what do?

God will decide when to end the Earth, not man. The obvious inference is that Congressman Shimkus thinks humans cannot destroy the Earth, or hurt its habitability. Terrific.

Watch this crazy shit here.  I'm amazed.  I really think he's just bullshitting because no one can be this retarded and hold office right?




Whatever happened to god helping those who help themselves?

Sorry I haven't been working on my blog for a while due to life circumstances and I've been making a little money digitizing ooooold documents for my father's business and at the end of the day I'm tired of typing.  If you're living at home on your parents' dime you might as well contribute to their ability to make money to pay for you.  This weekend I'm going to relax (ha!) at Anime USA where I'm also volunteering (because I don't have enough things to do).  I can't remember the last time I actually sat and watched something but it's going to be free, I'll get to push around nerds and hang out with people I know.

And of course buy a sugoii love-pillow ^___________________________________^

Hurts So Good

Aww yeah, gotta love politics.  So I'm just watching CNN because nothing else is on and BAM this shit comes on.  I don't want to influence how you view it so watch and then scroll down because page breaks isn't working how I want...




I hope you see what I see.
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Gotta love that race baiting xenophobia. Jesus Christ, it's so falsely menacing and preys on emotion more than policy. The Chinese are laughing at YOU and laughing at your penis size. AND WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE CHINESE MEN?! THEY'LL NEED WIVES BECAUSE THEY KILL ALL THEIR GIRLS THEY'LL TAKE OUR WHITE DAUGHTERS!!!! Citizens United fucked America hard and dry with their Supreme Court case that eventually lead to letting corporations spend unlimited and anonymous funds on political ads. Who's ready for never ending elections?

Back, From Outer Space

Well, what a hectic week.  I'm glad all that's over now.  Also it kept me from ranting about politics which is good.  I've been so frustrated with this election cycle (like they all aren't horrible nightmares) and sometimes I couldn't tell if I was watching a disaster film on Syfy or a special edition of Fox News Reports.  There was a bright spot, however.

So moe I'm gonna die~

I'm all ready to do my civic duty tomorrow, and I'm lucky my polling location is across the street :D.  Please remember if you are eligible to vote, you should.  I don't have any party affiliation but there's no advantage is sitting out on elections.  Even if you don't vote on candidates there are ballot measures that can impact you relating to tax collection, infrastructure, and in some areas WEED BRO.  Republican, Democrat, Indepenedent, or other...let your voice be heard.  Sure the American political system is pretty broken and holds voters hostage to two polarized sides, but it's what we've got right now and if you let "the other guys" discourage you then you've just been disenfranchised.  It's not about patriotism or flag waving.  As an American voter you have a modicum of power to wield as you wish so not using it is just throwing away a gift that not few in the history of the world have known. Don't let it go to waste, don't ignore the struggle of your fellow countrymen (and women).

Blah

Wow, I am just feeling so exhausted this week.  Tons of driving around and parties and working, I am just out of energy to do much of energy.  That was, until I found this song.  I have no idea who this guy is but I love the song, the music and the message.  It's B&W related, but I think it's a bit positive too.

It does contain some f-bombs and other objectionable language, so watch your volume at work.



Cee Lo Green - F**k You from Matthew Stawski on Vimeo.